"The Cat"

True creator of Faerun and all-around nice guy

Description:

Awakened tressym Shadowcaster 10

  • HP: 75
  • AC: 10 +5 DEX +2 size +2 deflection =19
  • Speed: 50ft fly
  • Initiative: +5
  • Alignment: Neutral Evil

Ability Scores (unaltered by equipment)

  • STR: 4
  • DEX: 20
  • CON: 16
  • INT: 20
  • WIS: 10
  • CHA: 20

Attacks

  • BAB: +5
  • GRP: -6
  • RNG: +9

Saving Throws

  • Fort: 7 +3 =10
  • Ref: 3 +4 =7
  • Will: 7 +0 =7

Feats (7): Path Focus (Eyes of Darkness), Favored Mystery (Killing Shadows), Discreet Mystery, Extend Mystery, Maximize Mystery, Quicken Mystery, Leadership

Racial Features: -6 STR, +2 DEX, +2 CHA, 50ft flight, immune to poison, natural weapon – claw (1d4-3), +8 to Hide checks

Skills: Acrobatics +19, Occultism +18, Stealth +27, Bluff +20, Disguise +20, Intimidate +20, Diplomacy +20

Mysteries: Arrow of Dusk, Caul of Shadow, Mystic Reflections, Sight Obscured, Umbral Hand, Steel Shadows, Sight Eclipsed, Voice of Shadows, Bend Perspective, Piercing Sight, Killing Shadows, Bolster, Step into Shadow, Warp Spell, Echo Spell

Languages: Common, Abyssal, Infernal, Elven, Cat Macro

Class Features: Shadow fundamentals, Apprentice mysteries (spell-like), Initiate mysteries (arcane), Umbral sight (30ft), Sustaining Shadow (1 hour of sleep, 1 meal/week)

Weapon: Claw (+2, 1d4 -3, 19-20×2, slashing)

Equipment: Shroud of Night, cat-gloves of Dexterity +4, Collar of Charisma +4, masterwork disguise kit

Gimmick: God-Like Powers – With the salient power he has left, the cat can and regularly will turn the tide of a sticky situation by calling in way more support than is logically needed. The greatest past example of this would be his crushing of the boy band Hanson by plunging them into a volcano and plugging that volcano’s top with a George W. Bush campaign bus. All parties survived…but they know what they did. Once per session, he can make a request to the DM, and the DM must satisfy the request to the best of his ability. Requests are not always satisfied in the most literal sense, but they are always satisfied positively.

Bio:
  • Age: Ancient
  • Fur color: Shimmering black
  • Eye color: Bright yellow
  • Height: About one foot?
  • Weight: More than he cares to admit
  • Native World: The infinite reaches of primordial space. Take a left at the Burger King with the misspelled drive-thru menu.
  • Likes: Conquest, violence, pushing around the LOLCATZ, jingling keys, those scratching posts with the plush upholstery
  • Dislikes: Dissent, unprovoked honesty, the LOLCATZ most of the time. Also dogs.
  • Heroes: Nyarlathotep, David Xanatos, Fat Cat from Chip N’ Dale’s Rescue Rangers
  • Favorite Book: Mein Kampf, Chicken Soup for the Soul
  • Favorite TV show: Anything reality
  • Diety: WHAT.

In the world of Faerun, people generally accept the creation myth they’re taught from birth. The great entity Ao brought life to the world and the twin goddesses birthed magic, chaos, and death. This tale is compelling, if a little bit contrived. What most people of Faerun don’t know, however, is that there’s more to this tale than meets the eye. History books can lie, and lie they do. Especially when scholars and praetors alike are trying to erase the existence of Faerun’s true creator and self-proclaimed god of death.

He has a name but he hates it because, like all things in Faerun, it’s incredibly cheesy and pretentious and drawn out to a much greater length than people should have to endure. Those who know him simply refer to him as “the cat.” Born into the universe of Faerun long before the entity Ao made its way through the cosmic slush, the cat was a being that transcended the worlds atop the Table. When everything was darkness, the cat was a giant among the shadows batting balls of existential yarn across the vast emptiness or taking a leak on the arm of the proverbial couch that was set up comfortably close to the Table itself. The cat whispered into Ao’s ear – well, whatever passed for an ear on that thing – and brought about the proliferation of Faerun and all its eye-rolling intricacies. Back then the cat was proud of his creation and took it to the streets in an unprecidented media blitz. First came the big gray box, then the computer RPGs, then the console hits starring that insufferable creature Drizzt, for whom the cat violently refuses to take responsbility.

One fateful day, the cat got tired of constantly refreshing his MySpace page and wishing fervently for a return comment form Kevin Spacey and decided to check in on a well-known D&D forum site. There he bore witness to the nightmarish consequences of the world he had created. Second edition elitists; Days-long arguments on what alignment the twin goddesses REALLY were; EROTIC DRIZZT FANFICTION. It was then that the fated words were spake. “This is BULLSHIT.”

The next morning the cat hazarded the unending nausea and visited his wayward creation. After about the ninteenth two-weapon fighting drow with a heart of gold, the only sign that the cat had ever been there was a hastily composed computer print-out hung on the door of a local tavern that read “DO NO WANT.” A temple was erected along the sword Coast’s most beautiful vista for the safekeeping of this print-out, upon which is a puzzling depiction of a black winged cat flipping off an indeterminate target.

After realizing what a punk-ass bitch he was for his own personal Frankenstein, the cat fell into a deep depression. Growing fat on gourmet chocolates and deep fried cheesecake sandwiches, the cat camped out on the cosmic couch for years and simply watched the worlds atop the Table move sluggishly by while his power diminished. The only ones loyal and dedicated enough to stay by his side during the fat years were the cat’s highly effective band of assassins, the LOLCATZ. Over fifty strong, the LOLCATZ went from killing in the shadows to replenishing the cat’s daunting supply of Keebler products every day or so.

Recently the news of the Elven invasion has reached the cat. After restoring his incredibly attractive form with the help of the LOLCATZ’ patented bleach diet, the cat has decided that he’s going to save the world he created…so that he can sell it back to the elves for the highest and most inflated price possible. well, either that or help them nuke it. Ashamed of his convoluted and apostrophe-infested true name, the cat has gone about trying to carve out a new identity for himself. He regularly refers to himself by names he has no right to use, the most common of these being Chevy Chase, Angelina Jolie, Wolverine and Veronica Mars. While he’s out in the world trying to pawn off the lease to Faerun, the cat has decided it’s finally time to take down his archnemesis Oprah Winfrey as well. That troll never gave HIM a free car. All she ever did was pet him way too hard with cheetos-caked hands at cast parties. The cat regularly poses as the talk show diva to ruin her reputation with scandalous photos and uproarious social mishaps. By his admition, “she’s never been fatter than me but by GAWD she will be by the time I’m done socially bitch slapping her junk-riddled trunk.” Third on his list beyond Faerun and the Winfrey creature is the band of hive-minded gay porn stars known as the Drizzt. When asked why he wants them eradicated the cat answers ”...well, I just plain don’t like them.”

Being a cat at heart, the cat is rather selfish and unaffected by the plight of others. He wields the fearsome and cryptic powers of shadow to strangle his enemies’ souls and rend their minds asunder…also typical for a cat. His appearance is very deceiving – most people don’t suspect that the flaying of their kin by razor-sharp shadowy claws was at the hands of a small winged black cat. However, when the situation demands he break his cover and demonstrate his power to put insubordinates in their place, the cat is the very face of fear. Accompanied by the seemingly endless flood of LOLCATZ who now dispense with adversaries by means of bumbling and meat-shielding rather than sharpened minds and weapons, the cat rises above the fracas and…well, usually he THROWS the LOLCATZ at people and hopes they do enough damage. when that doesn’t work he takes on the “appearance” of the monstrous Winfrey creature or another celebrity of note to threaten his way out of the situation and avoid conflict.

"The Cat"

Freaking Elves ethersphere