Freaking Elves

Episode 2- I Attack the Darkness

Of mass-marketed cookies, mystical artifacts, and the Lady of Pain

Butterpeach runs into the Lady of Pain, while Karen and Curly are rodents of some sort. Also there are some Keebler Elves. Butterpeach angers the Lady of Pain, while Karen and Curly are rodents of some sort. Also, there are Keebler elves everywhere, because this happened where they live. In the game, they weren’t actually there, but I put them there because I am an artist who can create vivid settings. Just to note, Karen should be blond, but I already used the yellow.

The following adventure log contains instances of adult language. Read at your own discretion.

As the episode begins, we see a darkened stage, with no notable backdrops or props- only hardwood against library red curtains, cloaked in darkness. A young woman, with blonde hair and spectacles walks out before you. She is Charlotte Cabochon, bard and voice of the DM. Charlotte adjusts her glasses as a spotlight frames her.

“The Elfstar. Ancient relic of phenomenal power. The lifeblood of all twinks everywhere. The creche of the Elven race,” she narrates, in a solemn and reverent tone. “It has existed, buried somewhere underneath the DM notes and a handful of trail mix, for generations, Until recently, when it was recovered by three idiots and a cat during an adventure to Eberron.”

A female voice is heard from off-stage.

“Typical.”

Another voice, this one male, joins in. “Doesn’t surprise me.”

Charlotte looks momentarily preturbed, but goes back to her speech. “Now, it is sealed away deep within the Resistance Base in Mystara, glittering ominously and exuding evil but slender energy, serving as a grim beacon for its own dark mistress, Mialee.” Charlotte looks back over her shoulder, warily, and then returns her gaze to the audience. “How shall our heroes deal with this most sacred and most corrupt of artifacts? Will they seek to use it for their own means? Or will they find a way to use it to restore peace?”

She pauses for a moment, her mind beginning to wander. “Or perhaps, they’ll fashion it into some sort of ioun stone… a huge ass ioun stone… or, maybe they can make it into…”

Just then, with the sound of a record being abruptly stopped, the lights flip on, and Charlotte finds herself in the middle of Moona the Cat’s command room. “NO!” Moona hisses in a bitchy tone. “They will absolutely not be doing any of that shit. We’re going to destroy it, and that’s final.”

The female voice comments once again. “That doesn’t sound like as much fun as the other options.”

A new, higher pitched voice chimes in. “I’ll be happy I can kill elves and keep them from chopping my trees down for thier fruity little huts!”

Charlotte sighs, and rubs her temples. “It was a narrative, you flearidden moron. And would the rest of you just kindly shut the hell up and let me finish my soliloquy? A bard has to do what a bard has to do!” she snaps. “And they don’t even live in HUTS. COME ON!”

The other male voice pays Charlotte no mind. ””I know one way to keep it stored, but it involves the Tarrasque and an uncomfortable situation with a glove.”

The female voice replies with, “I don’t think anyone has a glove that big.”

“All of you shut the fuck up!” Moona snaps. “David! Karen! And what was your name there… Snacks or something? Get the hell in here and let me brief the hell out of you quickly,” the rhy-cat commands, impatiently.

The three adventurers walk into the room, Curly looking miffed.

“The name’s Curly Arse you British pie filling!” Karen looks down at the squirrel druid, raising an eyebrow.

“Does he do tricks?”

“Oh, how dignified,” Moona snickers. “Curly Arse indeed. Anyway, he had better do at least one trick- and that’s following orders. Now listen up, hit dice. Hermey is acting a bit crazier than usual ever since the Elfstar was recovered.”

“How could you tell?” David asks.

Meanwhile, off-camera, Hermey stands in front of a mirror, wearing a red evening dress and primping himself “Mmmmm…. Hermey doesn’t like to make toys…. no, she doesn’t. No, she doesn’t…. mmmmm…. cabbage.”

“We just had a few signs,” Moona replies, shuddering for a moment. “Anyway, we think it may have to do with the Elfstar. We tried covering it with a sheet, but that didn’t seem to help. So, our next and only other option would be destroying it utterly.”

“I know a guy who knows a guy that can hook you up with some explosives, no problem,” Karen replies aloofly.

Charlotte raises an eyebrow. “It’s an artifact. That won’t be easy. They don’t even have rules for making those things, let alone destroying them.”

“You could cover it with lead, or deradiate it with green kryptonite, or…” David suggests.

Moona coughs, and then sneers. “You couldn’t do ANY of those things. We don’t have rules for it in any of our supplements.”

“Journey to the furthest reaches of the earth and drop it in a giant volcano?” Karen offers.

“Nah, the nearest one is already chock full of rings.” David points out.

“Someone needs to get those halflings a hobby.” Karen remarks. “Maybe that’s why they’re called hobbits.”

Curly cackles wickedly for a moment. “Unleash my Squirrely Wrath upon it?” He was not dignified with a response. Moona motions over at Charlotte.

“Bard woman! Pull down my projector screen for me.”

Meanwhile, David addresses Karen’s comments. “Shh! They’re not hobbits in a non-Tolkien approved role-play setting!”

“News flash, Tolkein is dead, he can’t hear you.” Karen retorts. ””Not unless he’s got tremorsense, anyway.”

Charlotte, rolling her eyes, walks over to pull down the projector screen for Moona. “Fine,” she replies, pulling the chord. “Yeah, he was killed by Legolas, ironically,” she added.

Karen looks over at Moona. “So let me guess, we get to go on some kind of Epic Quest to find out how to destroy the Elfstar? No problem.”

“Yeah, sort of. I mean, it’s not technically epic. We don’t have the supplement for that,” Moona gripes.

“Figuratively epic.”

“But anyway, look,” Moona says, flipping a switch. A picture of a huge-ass hammer appears on the screen. “Make your Knowledge checks, redshirts. Do you know what this is?”

“Maul of the Titans?”

“Its the Hammer of Shitbreaking!” Curly replies, almost with glee.

“That’s right. The Hammer of Shitbreaking, an ancient goliath artifact. Well, we assume it’s a goliath artifact, because the people who play those bastards seem to be supernaturally preoccupied with causing property damage,” Moona explains.

“Is there something wrong with destroying artificial dwellings?” Curly asks, in an nearly- just nearly- innocent tone. Moona shrugs in response.

“So lemme guess. We have to find this thing and break the shit out of the Star?” David asks.

“Wasn’t that stolen by elves from Aldea years ago?” Karen inquires.

“Basically, yes,” Moona replies, first answering David. “And yes, Karen, you’re correct. Those damn Keeblers nabbed it while the goliaths were busy trying to destroy Greyhawk in the Hulking Hurler Wars.” Flipping a switch, the image on the screen changes, now showing a massive tower built into the trunk of an ancient tree. “This is Keebler Tower, in Aldea. The Keeblers live here, making confections for the Empress. We have reason to believe they have the Hammer somewhere in their evil fairytale abode.”

“Oo, fudge rounds,” Karen remarks, happily.

“Keeblers…” David grumbles beneath his breath. “They’re not even tall or slender.. intruding on us short peoples’ territory.”

“Those bastards!” Curly screams in rage.

Ignoring their comments, Moona clears his throat and continues his briefing. “Your mission, if you choose to accept it- and you will if you don’t want me to kill you- is to infiltrate the Tower and steal the Hammer.”

“I can see why you picked me for this mission, but will I have to cut this beard off?” David inquires. Moona shakes his feline head and chuckles.

“No, you’re fine. I mean, the beard is hideous and you SHOULD shave it, but I’m too nice to say anything about it. And I certainly won’t require it for the mission,” he explains. “Also, if you find any of those Grasshopper cookies, I want you to get some for me. I fucking love those.”

Karen stared at the rhy-cat. “They don’t actually hop, you know.”

“I know they don’t, but I just can’t get enough of their minty pleasure.”

“Right. Do we get some supplies for this mission?” Karen asks. Meanwhile, Curly is already starting to fantasizing about his dungeon dives.

“I’m tiny, furry, and got sum junk in my tail. They’ll never see it coming!”

“What you gonna do, sing ‘Christmastime is Here’ until their ears bleed?” David teases.

Karen stood, awaiting Moona’s reply. “Like, say, a spellbook? Speaking metaphorically of course. Just as an example.”

“A spellbook” the rhy-cat replies flatly. “Girl, I’m from Aldea. We have a power system. I have no idea what you are talking about. Go talk to Grapak or Tesla if you need shit. I’m just here to make derisive comments and critical decisions. Now, get the hell out of my office. I need to go make in the sandbox,” Moona hisses.

The team left the office, and begins to formulate their plan. Karen states she wanted supplies, but the others seem happy to get going immediately. After some threats of violence, they decide to visit Tesla instead. As Karen enters Tesla’s Laboratory, she is greeted with an amazingly loud explosion.

“Bonaparte!” a girl’s voice calls out. “Don’t eat that, or you’ll DIE!” Just then, a blonde girl covered in soot and grease pops up from behind a lab table. “Oh. Hey there. What the hell can I do for you?” Karen hands the girl a list of supplies. Tesla clears some of the soot out of her eyes, and takes a look. “Hmmm, oh cool, we passing notes or some shit? Wait, this looks like a list of supplies… Spellbook… Robe of the Archmagi… Staff of Power… 55 Potions of Cure Serious Wounds… 100,000 gold pieces… “

“I need to make an Elminster scarecrow for this plan, see . . .” Karen explains, mustering up as much faux innocence as she can.

“Hey, I don’t ask questions. I figure you people know what you are doing, and I also figure I don’t care,” Tesla remarks, tucking the list away in her belt. “But still… this is a hell of a list. Do you have any idea how high of a purchase DC these would have in my world? Fortunately, they’re dirt cheap here. I can get some for you in a few days if you want. But I’ll need a little something in return.”

“I’m flexible. What do you want?”

“Well, a few things, really. In my ancient history classes, I used to read about this ancient form of currency exchanged between soccer moms called “Beanie Babies”. In my time, they’re worth a cool decamillion credits a piece. If I could get my hands on those, I could finally get that alchemical gold grill put in and be the gangsta I’ve always dreamed of becoming. If you find me one, I can get you the robe. The rest is gonna be a bit harder.”

“Are we talking troll dolls territory here?” Karen asks. “I know a guy who knows a guy that can get you a good deal on Harry Potter action figures.”

“Oh, that wouldn’t do at all. Harry Potter ended up becoming the foundation of an evil religion that ultimately wiped out life in South America in my times. We… like not to talk about it,” Tesla explains, looking down at her shoes for a second. “As for the spellbook, I think I’m using one to keep that table propped up.”

Karen walks over and pulled the book out, causing the table to wobble unevenly. “You can have that,” Tesla says. “I have no use for spells. Just get me a Beanie, and I can get you a Robe of the Archmagi. Or at least a trash bag that has the words “ROBE OF ACHEMAGIC” written on it with a Sharpee.”

“Right,” Karen replies, as she leaves the room and heads back out to her companions. Having prepared, the sought out Charlotte to get her assistance in traveling to Aldea.

Karen flips through her new spellbook as the team approaches. “I think some of these spells date back to 2nd edition.”

“Hey there!” David cries out, spotting Charlotte as she sits outside Moona’s office, writing in her notebook. “We were told to come to you, or something, to head for Aldea.”

“Hang on a sec, I have to memorize some spells,” Karen interrupted, plopping down on the floor.

“Oooh, any 2nd ed psionics stuff in there…we’d get this all done in a day an then wipe out all ‘humanoid’ life on the plant before lunch!” Curly exclaims. Charlotte sat up, and closed her notebook.

“Ah, cool. Just give me a moment,” Charlotte says happily, putting away her notebook. “When you are ready, all of you hold hands and close your eyes.”

“This isn’t gonna involve a bottle, is it? I am NOT tonguing that squirrel,” David whines. However, as he finishes, he takes a good look at Curly, and almost as if possessed, lunges at the rodent and begins to make out with it.

Curly gasps and pulls away. “You should be so privileged, rumpled foreskin!” he spits back at the gnome.

Charlotte raises an eyebrow. “That was more than I needed to see.” Meanwhile, Karen is busily counting to five on the floor as she memorizes her paltry sum of spells per day. After getting to five, she stands up and joins the circle.

“Okay, I’m ready.”

“Alright, then!” Charlotte chirps. “All of you… close your eyes and relax. I want you to visual Aldea, in all its homosexual splendours, and repeat the following mantra to yourselves- I will not die from falling damage, I will not die from falling damage…”

As the group repeats these words to themselves, Charlotte rushes up, hoists all three of them over her head. “YAAAAAAAAAH- MARTIAL MANEUVER, OMNIPOTENT THROW!!!!!” she screamed, and hurled the threesome at Aldea, causing them to crash through the ceiling and arc high above the table. The threesome flies through the air, strikes Jennifer in the face, bounces off, lands cocked on the Player’s Handbook, and then is consequently rerolled into Aldean terrain. Landing with a thump, the heroes find themselves in a tiny dirty farming village.

As the party lies still, recovering, David is the first to regain his bearings.

“I think we just felt the touch of a player. And it felt good,” he comments lewdly, not getting up.

Karen gives the gnome a funny look as she picks herself up. “You need to get out more.”

As the team collects themselves, they see they are in a small village composed of twenty or so crude, thatched huts. Beyond the village they can see a vast tent city, each tent bearing the Imperial crest of the Elven Empire.

Furthermore, off in the horizon they can see the towering image of the Keebler Tower, casting its ominous shadow over the land.

Since Aldea is typically known for its scenes of idyllic tranquility and socially progressive attitudes, the team finds it a bit odd that everything was so quiet and somber.

Inquisitively, Karen throws a rock into the window of a hut. She is rewarded with a loud scream, and finds her action had actually slain a commoner. After a brief confrontation with the commoner’s bereaved wife and a small argument on whether or not you can use Gather Information on a dead person, the team is approached by a shadowy silhouette.

She explains it would be very easy to interrogate the dead, if you are willing to look past a few evil descriptors. She introduces herself as Gilda Arharmboras, and explains she and a few others had come to provide backup.

She takes the team into a tavern that is serving as a front for a secret Resistance base. Gilda introduces them to General Lisa Frank, Resistance member and leader of the Aldean military. Lisa explains the situation to them:

“Well, here’s the sitch,” Lisa starts. “This is the town of Farmingvillagetonburg. It’s a routine noob spawning town, but recently the Elves have surrounded it and started killing off all the new adventurers as they arrive. We were sent to drive them back, but we’re at a bit of a stand still. The elves are getting a constant supply of food and other resources from the once-neutral Keeblers in the Tower. If we could find some way to cut that connection, we could also drive back the Drizzt swarms and let these adventurers get a chance to get a few levels.”

“Right, and then we can kill them ourselves and take their gear. I like this plan,” Karen muses.

“No no!” Lisa cries out. “We need to nurture and guide them, show them how to be strong and mighty and just!” Karen shrugs in response.

“Shut up, Lisa,” Gilda replies. She attempts to smile at Karen, but then realizes she doesn’t know how. She instead settles for a grimace in her general direction, but between evil characters, that is enough of a display of affection to melt any heart.

Lisa went on to explain that without their Infernal Ovens, the Keeblers would not be able to provide food to the Empire. If the party could destroy the ovens while retrieving the hammer, they would be able to kill two birds with one stone and free the village.

“Okay, so how do we get in the tower?”, Karen asks.

“Well, we have a short cut,” Lisa explains. She motions across the room to a mysterious train platform that hadn’t been there previously. “If you guys want, you can just ride the Royal Railroad, and it will take you right up to the front door.”

David shrugs. “Alrighty then, what do you want us to do to get a ticket on this railroad?”

“Oh, you don’t need a ticket. You just need a bad DM, and as luck would have it…”

Suddenly the party is outside the tower.

The tower reeks of freshly baked cookies and arcane texts. It looms above the party like a … really tall building, or maybe a tree that is equally tall. Two huge double doors stand ominously in the center of the walkway, beckoning the group to enter.

Inside the room, they find a large lobby and a reception desk being run by a gossipy female Keebler, who manages to mistake David for a hirsuite Ernie, and gives the group instructions on how to access the ovens, thinking they are oven repairmen.

As they climb up the tower, they come to a large bulletin with a map of the building. On it, they see a large message written in Common.

“OVEN CLEANERS- GO TO FOURTH FLOOR. THIS IS NOT A TRAP! “ALSO, ALL STAFF- FLOOR SEVEN IS NO LONGER THE BREAK ROOM. IT IS NOW SUPER SECRET TREASURE ROOM, BY ORDER OF THE EMPRESS. YOU CAN STILL USE IT AS A BREAK ROOM, THOUGH.”

“I think it’s a trap,” Karen speculates.

The team works their way through the hallways of the tower, past a lunch room and a vending machine, and into a corporate meeting to discuss the Keeblers’ latest product, Mialee Mounds.

Horrified at the idea of cookies modeled after Mialee’s tits, the team assaults the Keeblers in the meeting. What ensues is less of a combat scene and more of an out and out murder. Curly turns into a braxat and sears a few alive with his breath weapon, while David skewers them on his rapier. Karen shreds them all with daggers and claw attacks, and even after the elves summon dire celestial goldfish crackers to their aid, they are unable to withstand the assault. A sole survivor is interrogated by Karen, and then crammed into the vending machine alive, where he ends up getting a granola bar caught in his butt.

The team then winds their way through the remaining floors, dodging chocolate chip launching cannons, EL Fudge cookies of dire evil, and the dreaded disease diabetes.

Eventually, they come across some treasure chests, and find some armor that they can’t equip. They also discover the infernal ovens, which predictably spring to life and assault them. Karen uses her limited magic to attempt to disadvantage the appliances, but a casting of her grease spell merely causes the room to burst into flames. Meanwhile, David is swallowed whole and begins to bake, while Curly transforms into a werewolf lord and he and the nearest oven spend a good twenty minutes trying to navigate the rules on grappling, to see if it is even possible to grapple an oven in the first place.

Ultimately, the ovens trigger their self-destruct features (standard on all new models), and destroy the entire fourth floor of the tower. Fortunately, it isn’t a load-bearing floor, and they were able to progress without hindrance.

On the next floor, David is poisoned with Keebler sugar poisoning, and is turned into a diabetic. Meanwhile, Karen manages to find some Beanie Babies in a creepy and baroque dressing room, and the team decides to bypass the rest of the dungeon by breaking out the windows and scaling the sides.

They climb, past several Keebler sorcerers and a few dozen fudge golems, until they reach the top floor. On the top floor, they find a vast vault with a large, sealed door at the end. They also find a magical talking parrot of identify, which helps them not only to discover what types of treasure they had found, but also that the door that lead to the Hammer was completely unable to be opened. They leave the vault, hoping to find another solution.

Opening a nearby door, they come into a break room and discover none other than The Lady of Pain, sitting quietly, sipping tea and eating Pecan Sandies. She seems to recognize the mysterious armor they had picked up, and takes it from them, and then follows the group for a while. When the team leads her back into the room with the door, she casts her shadow on it, causing it to disappear.

Just then, the Princess appears and bumps into the Lady, who reacts in wrath and throws out her ominous shadow in order to flay her, but David interferes and saves her at the last second. Then, the Lady seems to lose interest, and walks away, causing the group to become very uneasy and wonder how she ever managed to escape Sigil in the first place.

Inside the chamber, they find the Hammer, but it is kept on a pressure sensitive switch that will cause a bevy of deadly traps to trigger if it is removed. The only way to escape the tower safely is to leave behind something of equal or greater weight.

The team is unwilling to part with their equipment, so they leave the Princess as a counterweight, and plan to flee the tower.

“Anyone got a teleport prepared? Or even a dimension door?” Curly asks.

Butterpeach sighs. “I was once a powerful spellcaster, but I lost those features to a lack of hit dice.”

“Hey, princess, do me a favor, will you?” Karen asks, as she grasps the handle of the hammer.

“Why, of course, dearest companion and fellow sister!”

“When I say ‘now’ I want you to step on this pedestal.”

“Yes! We will do this in the name of holy justice!”

“NOW!”

Stepping on the pedestal, the Princess grins from ear to ear. “Well, now what do we do?”

“Wait here for a few minutes while we escape,” Curly instructs, running out of the room.

“Okay! But don’t leave me here!” Butterpeach whines.

“Don’t worry, we’ll be right back!” Karen replies, darting out of the room.

“Alright! LOVE YOU!” Butterpeach shouts after her.

“Take care princess!” David cries back, as he hops into Karen’s backpack, grabs Curly, and braces himself as the wererat slips on a ring of feather fall and leaps out of the window.

As the group lands, they decide to light the tower on fire, “just in case.” It had burnt to the ground within an hour. They returned to Farmingvillagetonburg, and Lisa thanked them all. Feeling a bit tired, the group rode the Royal Railroad back to Mystara, leaving the Princess’s charred remains in Aldea- they figured she would want it that way.

Back at Mystara, Moona was pleased with their progress.

“Good work, assholes. I wish you hadn’t, you know, left the Princess to burn to death, but I know how it goes. Sometimes you just can’t help yourself,” he purred.

“The resistance is bigger than one person,” Karen points out. Moona merely grunts in response.

“I don’t know, we had Galactus join recently, from the World of Marvel Heroes. He’s pretty much bigger than the Resistance.” he remarks, and hops down from his desk. “Now, lets kill this thing,” he says, looking at the huge emerald. “Who wants to do the honors? I would, but you know- no opposable thumbs.”

“I’ll do it, providing no one else has a higher strength score,” David volunteers.

“Well, go ahead, David, smash away,” Moona says with a nod. David takes the hammer, and raising it above his head, approaches the Elfstar.

Running and jumping, he shouts as he leaps above it and brings the mighty tool down upon the couch-sized gem. “SUPER SHITSMASHING HAMMER LIGHTNING SMITE ATTACK! AREYOUKIDDINMEH!”

There is an incredible flash of light, and for a moment, all things in the room seem unbelievably significant as the fabric of reality itself is warped.

Life… Death… Memory… God… all of it seems like an inconsequential dream only half remembered as the Elfstar shatters into a trillion microscopic pieces, each shard dispersing with a pulse of energy and light that seems to pour right through the souls of everyone present.

For a moment, there is silence, but that silence is quickly interrupted by a small voice.

“Coco! Cocococococo! Co-co CORY!”

As the group regains its sight, they see a small fey creature about a foot and a half tall before them.

“Co….. co CORY!” it shouts precociously, striking a pose.

“Um… hi?” Karen responds, puzzled.

“What… the… fuck…” Moona stammers in disbelief.

“Well.. erm…” David mutters, sheepishly, dropping the Hammer. Meanwhile, the creature runs about, babbling and shouting.

“Cocococo… cory-cocococo…” the little creature rubbed up against Karen’s leg.

“Gah, cooties!” Karen cries, backing away.

”’What the hell is that thing? And what just happened?” Moona demands.

As Karen backs away, it runs after her, crying. “CO CO! COCOCO! COOOOOOORY! COCO CORY!!!”

“Oh, jeez . . . don’t cry,” Karen replies, feeling guilty. “Sheesh. Here, you can sit on my backpack.”

Moona shakes his head and sighs. “Well, I suppose I don’t really care. You guys look after that thing. I have to go pee on the clothes that Charlotte just washed, and then I’m going out for drinks with “The Cat” and the Cooper Telepath.”

“Alright, seeya next weekend, Moona,” David says.

The room grows dark, and Charlotte appears as she walks out into a spotlight that suddenly appears.

“And thus, the Elfstar was destroyed. But who is this mysterious creature calling itself Coco Cory? And what of the Lady of Pain? Who the hell let her out of Sigil, anyway? And what will Mialee do now, with her precious relic destroyed? Stay tuned next time, for our next exciting episode of Freaking Elves!”

Comments

It hit Jennifer in the face, not her character, dude, that’s RP xp right there.

Rumpled foreskin.. how dare he insult David the Gnome’s dad!

This is a really funny episode. I also like that it’s very easy to jump into, and it has a lot of very humorous characters. Also, there’s a freaking gnome. XD

Episode 2- I Attack the Darkness
 

Yeah… someday I really ought to finish typing it up, huh?

Episode 2- I Attack the Darkness
 

This is hilarious – not just the events, but also the writing style. Kudos.

Episode 2- I Attack the Darkness
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