Freaking Elves

Episode 1- Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood

Of Sharn, drag queens, and family-friendly bar-and-grill franchises

Crystal eats the Super Mushroom and attacks the fortress, while the others flee Crystal eats the Super Mushroom and attacks Fort Silvericingbeautydeath, while the others flee the scene. Please note Bathsheba’s afro, as it is to scale. Incidentally, so are Crystal’s cans. I couldn’t really draw her hands, though, so I gave her pseudopods. Guys like chicks with pseudopods, right?

Party: Offline Party

As the episode begins, we see a darkened stage. Charlotte Cabochon appears, and is framed by a spotlight. The bard begins by telling the story of the Worlds Atop the Table, and how it was nearly ruined by the War of the Elves. She says that even now, the Elves threaten to crush the spirit of the world, but there are those that fight against them- the Resistance. Sometimes they are successful, but often they are not- a fact we are about to witness.

Charlotte fades away, leaving behind the scene of a young Cleric and a female rogue surrounded by the Drizzt Do’urden. The drow tell the girls they have no chance for escape, but the rogue decides to take matters into her own hands, lunging at one of the Drizzt. Unfortunately, she provokes an attack of opportunity from another, and is stabbed.

“No,” the Cleric screams, “Not Blackleaf!” She rushes to her companion’s side, and finds her dying. The rogue, Blackleaf, tells her she is the only hope they have, and urges her to escape. The Cleric makes a Heal check, but it is in vain.

“The thief failed to spot my threat range,” one of the Drizzt comments smugly.

The Cleric stifled a sob. “I declare her dead!” With that, she stood up from her friend’s side and ran away. The Drizzt stood perfectly still.

“Why aren’t we chasing her again?” one asked.

Another merely shrugged. “It’s not our turn in the initiative count yet.”

“Ah,” the first Drizzt replied.

Meanwhile, back in Mystara, Charlotte informs Princess Butterpeach Cinderella Von Hyatt-Gainsborough of the tragedy that has befallen the team from the previous scene. It is revealed that team had been sent to Eberron to try and remove the Elven influence from the city of Sharn, and in the process of doing so they had uncovered a powerful artifact- the Elfstar.

The Elfstar is a sacred gem from which all elven subraces are made. By striking off a chip of the Elfstar and shoving it into a basic elf, the elf can then be transformed into an entirely new subrace. Without such an object in their possesion, the Empire would be greatly crippled.

As luck would have it, it seems a nameless NPC cleric with the team had managed to escape with the Elfstar. Moona the cat, leader of the Resistance and pet to the Princess, was greatly disturbed by this- how had a total redshirt of an NPC managed to survive when developed PCs had not? The Princess attributed it to the maddening of the world while under Elven rule, but Moona was not convinced.

Just the same, it was of grave importance that the Resistance recover the Elfstar. He gathered together several of his recruits, and formed a team composed of “The Cat”, former evil god of Faerun, Bathsheba Winters, foxy mistress of the Soul Fist style, Miracula Amalthea Nutella, domestic goddess, celebrity chef, and deranged shaman of proper nutrition, and Crystal Cans, dimwitted but stacked barbarian beauty with bad taste in men.

The group was assembled and briefed, and then sent out on their mission. Before leaving, Charlotte asked them to do her a favor. It seems one of her close friends from Evidia had gone missing in Sharn, and she wanted the team to keep an eye out for her. They agreed, and Charlotte then hoisted the room they were within into the air, and hurled it at Eberron.

The group landed in the middle of Sharn, crushing a local flower girl and a few warforged in the process. The town reacted with panic, but Miracula stepped up and prepared to help the woman. She began to concoct a special “magic” marinara sauce with which she hoped to revive the spark of life within the woman, but it only seemed to marinate her, which drew the attention of a few nearby monsters.

Meanwhile, Bathsheba tried to gather information while the Cat attempted to convert people to his cause, and Crystal got into a fight with her evil intelligent weapon and abusive boyfriend, Androprimus. Chaos erupted all around, as the Cat was met with disdain, causing him to react to the villagers in wrath. Bathsheba ended up in an argument with a native, and a frustrated Miracula attempted to gain control of the crowd as she tried in vain to explain how to create her award winning resurrection chicken. Just then, Miracula had decided she had enough and summoned a tornado into the area, causing everyone to be knocked on their asses. In the process, Androprimus ended up impaling a village woman and triggered his vicious weapon property, dealing damage to Crystal and causing her to go into a frenzy.

Long story short, everyone in that square without heroic class levels died that day, and the Drizzt were summoned into battle to defend the villagers from the Resistance.

Bathsheba slammed her fists into the Drizzt, shouting “Shazam!” and “Judo Chop, BITCH!” as she danced like a ballerina on fire across the battlefield. Crystal continued to rage while Miracula summoned up lightning and ice, and the Cat hid in the shadows while he and Justice Cat, his cohort, flung darts of shadow and knives at anything that moved. Ultimately, the Drizzt all died and the party fled for the hills in order to avoid being slaughtered by Crystal. They came back a few rounds later and found her disabled after losing her frenzy, and perked the girl up in order to continue their mission.

Unsure of where to go, and with none of them having taken ranks in Gather Information, Miracula called upon one of her patron spirits, Rachael Ray. Rachael descended in a cloud of smoke, fire, and laser beams, and answered Miracula’s questions for them. She told them that she could not locate the Elfstar in 30 minutes or less, and as such she could not reveal its location, but she said they might be able to find a lead if they were to seek out a “restaurant of another world”.

She continued to inform them of several other things, such as which brand of flour one might use to better crush their enemies and the location of Fort Silvericingbeautydeath. She also delivered a cryptic warning to the Cat from Oprah Winfrey, telling him that the Dark One was well aware of his ambitions, and she was not happy with them.

The group traveled to the sector of town called Olladra’s Kitchen, hoping to find this mysterious otherworldly restaurant. They tried several locations- McXxyzzyt’s, THAC0 Bell, Le Corner Trashy, and even Vadania’s Country Kitchen, but they found nothing. Just when the group was ready to give up, they were encountered by a suspicious talking Apple, who told them to go eat at Applebee’s.

Miracula, incensed by the presence of a corporate steakhouse mascot, unleashed her fury and quartered the apple into easily eaten bits. It panicked, and tried to fly, but found it couldn’t as long as it was sliced into pieces. Miracula then had Bathsheba produce a bottle of elixir of truth from her hair. She macerated the fruit in the elixir, and then interrogated it, finding the exact location of this “Applebee’s”, and many other corporate secrets as well.

The rest of the group, craving some flank steak and coconut shrimp, eagerly sought the place out, although Miracula insisted one could eat better and have just as good of a time at by eating at home, with only a minimum amount of effort. Just the same, she accompanied the group into the Applebee’s and took a seat.

Their server was a woman named Diana. She was friendly enough, but seemed suspicious to the group.

“So…” she asked, “what brings you strangers here to Sharn, eh?”

“Oh, we’re looking for a Cleric that is running away from the…” Crystal blurted out, before being silenced by Bathsheba.

“Looking for a Cleric, eh?” Diana asked suspiciously. “Why would all of you be needing a cleric?”

“Oh, um… well,” the Cat replied, while making a Bluff check, “we have a friend who was, um… killed when he, ah… stepped on a… um… tree.”

Fortunately, the Cat rolled a good 30 something on his check, and Diana seemed to buy it. She told the group she would bring them some stuffed mushrooms, but secretly ran to the bar to speak with a mysterious redhead who had been watching them since they came into the restaurant. Meanwhile, a table of half-orcs across the room had also been giving the group dirty looks.

While Miracula lamented the selection of food by dramatically hurling the menu aside and screaming “THIS MENU IS DYING!”, a female half-orc approached Crystal and Bathsheba.

“We don’t want your kind around here anymore,” she growled. Bathsheba took particular offense.

“My kind? MY KIND?! What, you ain’t never seen a sistah up in here before, you pig-looking motha-@#$%? My kind, my ass…” she snarled, flashing her fine-ass fingernails.

“Where does a half-orc get off having a problem with black people, anyway?” the Cat asked.

“We don’t have a problem with black people. We have a problem with you perverted trannies turning this town into your personal stomping ground.”

“TRANNIES?” all three women replied in shock.

“Yeah, you and your big lizard queen have gone too far, and we’re tired of it in our neighborhood,” the half-orc snapped. Just then, a mind flayer and a vampire sharing a nearby table joined in.

“Look, we’re just trying to enjoy a nice, romantic dinner here,” the mind flayer hissed telepathically while she poked at a bound humanoid slung over their table. “So why don’t all you just shut the #$%@ up and stop being so disruptive!”

A male half-orc at the table stepped up and got in the mind flayer’s face. “Look buddy, nobody talks to my wife that way!” With that, he let the mind flayer have it with an uppercut.

The vampire rose up and flourished his cape. “You vile little worm, how dare you defend your woman while beating on another!”

“What the hell are you talking about?” the half-orc asked. Just then, everyone got a better look at the mind flayer. As she reeled from the blow, one could clearly see mascara around her eyes, and a large set of breasts on her chest.

“No mortal may strike my darling and survive!” the vampire announced with a dramatic flair.

A few goblins over at the bar suddenly turned around, intrigued by the scene. One of them, feeling excited by the exchange, threw a chair into the fray.

“BAR FIGHT!” he screamed.

“But this is a steakhouse…” Crystal pointed out.

“STEAKHOUSE FIGHT!” the goblin screamed.

Diana and her companion behind the counter sprang into action, trying to contain the brawl- Diana using a magical staff to vault herself into the fray, and the redhead throwing a cloak over her head to turn invisible. Meanwhile, the orcs began to close in on the girls.

“Oh dear,” Miracula mused. “I think everyone needs to try and alleviate stress with a delicious and refreshing dose of pineapple gelato. Its creamy and full of B vitamins!”

With that, she unleashed a cone of cold across the battlefield, killing a few orcs, the mind flayer’s dinner, and a goblin. She also caught Crystal in the blast, making the barbarian go berserk.

Meanwhile, Bathsheba tangled with Diana, as the two monks traded blows and snappy comebacks. However, before Bathsheba could get the upper hand, she was hit from behind with a brutal sneak attack from the invisible redhead.

“Thanks, Sheila,” Diana said. “This bitch is fierce!”

Bathsheba smacked Sheila out of the way, and lunged at Diana. “Oh, you have no idea! MARTIAL MANEUVER, BITCH!”

As the battle ensued, the Cat decided to have a little fun of his own. Vanishing into the shadows, he prepared to unleash one of his evil mysteries into the battlefield. He used his Discreet Metamystery ability to blast the vampire and everyone around him, making the mind flayer appear as the source of the assault.

“Dear, how could you strike at me so?” he asked, in bewilderment.

“I didn’t do anything, you big idiot!” the mind flayer snapped back.

“HEY!” the vampire replied. “Don’t take that tone of telepathy with ME, missy!”

“You know what, Frank? Mind Blast. Just @#$%ing Mind Blast,” the exasperated mind flayer replied, firing a cone of stunning psionic energy at him.

“Ah fiddlesticks!” Sheila cursed as Bathsheba’s bitch slap knocked her directly into the line of fire.

As the battle continued, the Apple arrived.

“OH JESUS CHRIST!” it screamed. “My restaurant! My beautiful restaurant! You assholes!” it shouted, as it launched itself at the nearest target.

“Ow!” the vampire complained. “What the hell, man? Seriously, what the hell? Who threw an apple?” Just then, he spotted the Cat in the corner.

“Oh, a shadowcaster, eh? I see. Child of darkness, I challenge you to a gothic duel!”

”@#$% that,” the Cat replied. “DM! I demand sunlight!” he cried, as he invoked his God-like powers. Just then, the ceiling collapsed on everyone, dealing damage and exposing the vampire to the sun’s searing rays.

“Ah hell… come on, Marie, let’s get out of here!” he shouted to his companion.

“oohhh…. ceiling cat iz watching u masturbate…” Justice Cat stammered in a daze as he tried to compose himself.

Just then, Crystal launched an attack at the mind flayer, and missed.

“Aw hell,” Miracula cursed. “Watch out!” As the blade fumbled past the aberration, the frenzied barbarian triggered her Ultra-Critical Miss gimmick, which caused her to unleash the full might of her blade on everyone and everything in the area. Tables were broken into splinters, half-orcs and goblins were reduced to low quality sashimi, and all the characters with enough hit dice to hold their own were knocked flat on their asses.

“Damn…” the mind flayer replied in astonishment, as she surveyed the shattered ruins of Applebee’s. “Well, I might as well make myself a doggy bag!” she exclaimed, as she snapped her fingers and caused a swarm of purple tentacles to emerge from beneath her robe and entangle everything.

As the party struggled to get themselves free, Miracula called down lightning on everything and Bathsheba used her Baffling Defense to escape the grip of the mind flayer. The group continued to focus on their foes until all but Diana and Sheila were dead.

After the fight started to clear up, Diana and Sheila explained they were secret Resistance operatives sent to investigate the rumors that the Action Transvestite League had taken on a job to capture the Elfstar for themselves. Diana explained she had heard that the League had been hired by the Empire to find the Cleric, and they had been using the restaurant as a base of operations. The two of them had infiltrated under the guise of wait staff, hoping to find out the truth.

The groups compared notes, and branched out to find the cleric and the Elfstar. They heard a rumor that a female cleric was recently chased out of a goblin neighborhood in Malleon’s Gate, when she refused to pay the local goblins for their menacing services.

They traveled there to investigate, driving off goblin street-workers, who had been charging low level adventurers to let them kill them for the XP. When asked, they explained that a female human cleric with a huge-ass stone had recently come through, and killed a few of them. When she refused to pay for her XP, the goblins banded together to run her out of town.

The party thanked the goblins for their info, but then killed them all, anyway. Bathsheba even went so far as to break into a goblin orphanage and gut everyone within, and Miracula offered the bodies up as a sacrifice to Paula Deen. Paula was thankful for the offering, and told Miracula to go to Fort Silvericingbeautydeath. She told them that the Action Transvestite League had taken it over after they kidnapped the cleric and obtained the Elfstar for themselves.

The group rushed to the fortress, only to find it surrounded by at least 40 of the most fabulously outfitted drag queen cutthroats they had ever seen. It would be almost impossible to make it through them alive.

Thinking quickly, the group rooted through Bathsheba’s hair and produced a Super Mushroom. They talked Crystal into putting it in her mouth- stating that her boyfriend would find it suggestive and would be turned on- and then proceeded to bitch slap her and push her into the drag queen’s range of site.

As she was slapped, she went into a frenzy, and subsequently swallowed the mushroom, growing to an enormous size. While their giant hillybilly companion trampled over the divas, the group snuck inside, and disguised themselves as a couple of Rosemary Clooneys in order to sneak through the fortress.

Once inside, they found Charlotte’s friend, Honoria de Danaan Cesaria au Blanchard trapped in a jail cell. They saved her, but after having spoken with her, decided they didn’t really need to take her back alive. Bathsheba produced the head of Medusa from her hair, and turned the girl to stone with it, and then proceeded to cram both back into her afro before continuing their infiltration.

After getting to what was clearly the final room of the dungeon, they summoned Crystal by screaming “HEY CRYSTAL” as loud as they could. The barbarian smashed her way inside, and the group entered the room.

They found the cleric, bound to an enormous, couch sized emerald that they knew to be the Elfstar. Just as they were about to free her and seize it, they were interrupted by a booming cackle.

Behind them, they saw a lizardman in fabulous makeup- none other than the infamous Lady Gator. She was accompanied by her assistants, Count Tatsel Dharts Sepet and Jeffiroth. She told the group that she was going to make the Elfstar into a gorgeous, bust enhancing brooch, and said she would have to kill them just as she had killed the Drizzt.

A battle erupted, predictably, and before long, the Count was killed. Soon after, Lady Gator was forced to flee, leaving the group to face Jeffiroth alone.

Just then, a chorus of cheerful music could be heard, and a shower of flower petals washed over the battlefield. Standing in the rafters was Princess Butterpeach, rapier drawn and flanked by Diana and Sheila.

She hopped down, and told everyone she was here to save the day and to deliver her magnificent justice to evildoers. She produced a scroll from her pocket, and cast Flame Strike, nailing Jeffiroth and a few of her allies, as well. Jeffiroth was weakened by the blast, and countered with a Limit Break, killing the Princess instantly.

Jeffiroth wasn’t too concerned with anything after that point, so he left. The party crammed the Princess in Bathsheba’s hair, and they untied the Cleric. She ran up to them and thanked them tearfully- but just then, Crystal was overwhelmed when she failed a Charisma contest with Androprimus and was forced to stab the cleric, killing her instantly.

The Cat stated they were never ordered to bring her back alive, so they just stuffed her in Bathsheba’s hair as well, and teleported back to Mystara- but not before the Cat ordered the LOLCATS to fill the fortress up with explosives.

As they arrived back at the Resistance base, Moona criticized them heavily, shouting that they were the worst team he had ever seen and telling them he wished they had all died horribly.

The group, seemingly oblivious to his tirades, were enthusiastic.

“Gee, thanks, kit-kat, you all right!” Bathsheba replied.

“Yes, we have done a great justice and helped the world to become a healthier place!” Miracula bragged.

“We all do what we can to spread love and friendship!” the Cat chimed in.

“TATER SKINS!” Crystal belched absent-mindedly.

“ALL OF YOU CAN GO TO HELL!” Moona replied.

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