Freaking Elves

You can take your Elvish thinblade and shove it up your ass!
Updates, campaign information, etc
2-22-08- FINALLY finished Episode 2. Also added pages for Elfstar, Action Transvestite League, and the Hammer of Shitbreaking. I now need to update Eps 3 and 4, but I’m lazy. However, NPC pages should be updated now, for the most part.
2-02-08- Started the summary for the incredibly long-winded Episode 2, added Episode 1 Battle Records, added a post for the Episode 3 summary and Episode 2 Battle Records. Added character profiles for Koicihiyamasamaru, Daimyo Kiriban, Blackleaf, Coco Cory, Dame Unagi, Androprimus, Honoria de Danaan Cesaria au Blanchard, Mabry Wilhelm, and The Lady of Pain. Also updated character sheet for Princess Butterpeach Cinderella Von Hyatt-Gainsborough- she’s now down to level 2, soon to be level 1.
1-19-08- Posted Adventure Log for Episode 1. Updated character profiles for Count Tatsel Dharts Sepet, Galadriel, Gilda Arharmboras, Lady Gator, and Princess Butterpeach Cinderella Von Hyatt-Gainsborough. Added character profile for Apple.
1-18-08- Played the first session offline today. Decided to go ahead and do it since we had the time. Will update the adventure log later.
1-17-08- Had a player drop out. KoolKoal and his character won’t be part of the campaign due to a variety of reasons. :(
1-14-08- Character sheet for Karen Ratbastard completed and approved. Full character sheet for Lady Gator available. Players, read at your own risk.
1-13-08- Revised Online Play Rules to address tracking HP and other resources. Also, the character sheets for David the Gnome, Bathsheba Winters (Cooper died because there was NO way I was DMing him in combat), and “The Cat” are all completed and approved. Now, the rest of you need to get with it! Game day is fast approaching!
1-06-08- Added the page for Online Play Rules, and updated Character Creation rules. Also it has been determined that game play for the chat group will take place on Saturday mornings between 10am and 3pm (approximately), and will begin on Saturday, January 26th, 2008. Also added a page for Magic Items, and added Defy Anime Physics, Monk Levels, and Death Metal to the New Feats section.
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Episode 5- Two Towers (also Two More Towers)
Of celebrity chefs, trash TV, and the war of the gods

Bathsheba duels with Chun Li at the top of the tower. You can’t see Bathsheba because she jumped, and she’s like, waaaaay up there. And her shadow looks like Blanka. And she left her purse on the floor. Her purse looks like Ryu. Also, somebody came by and totally put graffiti that says shit like “Street Fighter II” and “Super Nintendo” all over the place. Damn latchkey kids.

In this session, Bathsheba fights Chun-li, duels to the death with Galadriel, and discovers she is a lesbian. Miracula faces off in Kitchen Stadium against Ina Garten, ends up in an aerial battle, and is hit on by Alacar Leoricar. Crystal ends up as a guest on a talk show about people in sick relationships, survives being shot by a starship, and ends up making sweet sweet love to Kain Lastname. The Cat regains his godhood, loses it again, and is cast into a maze by the Lady of Pain. Also guest appearances by the Princess of Faery, Karen Ratbastard, and Janet Blackchurch.

Full summary to be posted later.

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Episode 4- Into the Lair of Dame Unagi Part 2
Of She-Ra, pop concerts, and evil queens

Karen betrays the team, while She-ra Righteous and Swift Curly fight Amelie and Mialee. I drew dust clouds around them to show the fighting. Also, Karen should be blond, but I already used the yellow. Karen betrays the team, while She-ra form Righteous and Swift-Curly fight Amelie and Mialee. I drew dust clouds around them to show they are fighting. Just as a note, Karen should be blond, but I already used the yellow. Also, she’s holding knives, not two grey Atari joysticks.

In this session, Righteous transforms into She-ra, is mistaken for a whore, and fights a swarm of Drizzt! Karen joins the bad guys, eats Turkish Delight, and finds out the guilty pleasures of the Elvish pantheons- gay porn! Also, Curly is killed by a suitcase, and David becomes the pilot of EVA-01!

The full summary for this episode will be posted later.

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Episode 3- Into the Lair of Dame Unagi
Of Rokugan, tentacle porn, and gossip bloggers

David and Karen duel the Tentacle Rape monster while Righteous flirts with Koi-kun. Note that Karen doesn't actually have a massive penis, it's just her tail. Also, she should be blonde, but I already used yellow on Righteous. David and Karen duel the tentacle rape monster while Righteous flirts with Koi-kun. You can tell they are in Rokugan because David has an anime sweat drop. As a note, Karen should be blond, but I already used the yellow. Also, that isn’t a huge penis coming out of her, or a third leg, it’s supposed to be a tail.

In this session, Righteous falls in love with a feminine young swordsman, Karen and David end up having naked adventures in a sacred hot spring, and Charlotte punches down a mountain in wrath after going on strike! Also, there are corpulent gossip demons and talent show conspiracies!

The full summary of this episode will be posted later.

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Episode 2- I Attack the Darkness
Of mass-marketed cookies, mystical artifacts, and the Lady of Pain

Butterpeach runs into the Lady of Pain, while Karen and Curly are rodents of some sort. Also there are some Keebler Elves. Butterpeach angers the Lady of Pain, while Karen and Curly are rodents of some sort. Also, there are Keebler elves everywhere, because this happened where they live. In the game, they weren’t actually there, but I put them there because I am an artist who can create vivid settings. Just to note, Karen should be blond, but I already used the yellow.

The following adventure log contains instances of adult language. Read at your own discretion.

As the episode begins, we see a darkened stage, with no notable backdrops or props- only hardwood against library red curtains, cloaked in darkness. A young woman, with blonde hair and spectacles walks out before you. She is Charlotte Cabochon, bard and voice of the DM. Charlotte adjusts her glasses as a spotlight frames her.

“The Elfstar. Ancient relic of phenomenal power. The lifeblood of all twinks everywhere. The creche of the Elven race,” she narrates, in a solemn and reverent tone. “It has existed, buried somewhere underneath the DM notes and a handful of trail mix, for generations, Until recently, when it was recovered by three idiots and a cat during an adventure to Eberron.”

A female voice is heard from off-stage.

“Typical.”

Another voice, this one male, joins in. “Doesn’t surprise me.”

Charlotte looks momentarily preturbed, but goes back to her speech. “Now, it is sealed away deep within the Resistance Base in Mystara, glittering ominously and exuding evil but slender energy, serving as a grim beacon for its own dark mistress, Mialee.” Charlotte looks back over her shoulder, warily, and then returns her gaze to the audience. “How shall our heroes deal with this most sacred and most corrupt of artifacts? Will they seek to use it for their own means? Or will they find a way to use it to restore peace?”

She pauses for a moment, her mind beginning to wander. “Or perhaps, they’ll fashion it into some sort of ioun stone… a huge ass ioun stone… or, maybe they can make it into…”

Just then, with the sound of a record being abruptly stopped, the lights flip on, and Charlotte finds herself in the middle of Moona the Cat’s command room. “NO!” Moona hisses in a bitchy tone. “They will absolutely not be doing any of that shit. We’re going to destroy it, and that’s final.”

The female voice comments once again. “That doesn’t sound like as much fun as the other options.”

A new, higher pitched voice chimes in. “I’ll be happy I can kill elves and keep them from chopping my trees down for thier fruity little huts!”

Charlotte sighs, and rubs her temples. “It was a narrative, you flearidden moron. And would the rest of you just kindly shut the hell up and let me finish my soliloquy? A bard has to do what a bard has to do!” she snaps. “And they don’t even live in HUTS. COME ON!”

The other male voice pays Charlotte no mind. ””I know one way to keep it stored, but it involves the Tarrasque and an uncomfortable situation with a glove.”

The female voice replies with, “I don’t think anyone has a glove that big.”

“All of you shut the fuck up!” Moona snaps. “David! Karen! And what was your name there… Snacks or something? Get the hell in here and let me brief the hell out of you quickly,” the rhy-cat commands, impatiently.

The three adventurers walk into the room, Curly looking miffed.

“The name’s Curly Arse you British pie filling!” Karen looks down at the squirrel druid, raising an eyebrow.

“Does he do tricks?”

“Oh, how dignified,” Moona snickers. “Curly Arse indeed. Anyway, he had better do at least one trick- and that’s following orders. Now listen up, hit dice. Hermey is acting a bit crazier than usual ever since the Elfstar was recovered.”

“How could you tell?” David asks.

Meanwhile, off-camera, Hermey stands in front of a mirror, wearing a red evening dress and primping himself “Mmmmm…. Hermey doesn’t like to make toys…. no, she doesn’t. No, she doesn’t…. mmmmm…. cabbage.”

“We just had a few signs,” Moona replies, shuddering for a moment. “Anyway, we think it may have to do with the Elfstar. We tried covering it with a sheet, but that didn’t seem to help. So, our next and only other option would be destroying it utterly.”

“I know a guy who knows a guy that can hook you up with some explosives, no problem,” Karen replies aloofly.

Charlotte raises an eyebrow. “It’s an artifact. That won’t be easy. They don’t even have rules for making those things, let alone destroying them.”

“You could cover it with lead, or deradiate it with green kryptonite, or…” David suggests.

Moona coughs, and then sneers. “You couldn’t do ANY of those things. We don’t have rules for it in any of our supplements.”

“Journey to the furthest reaches of the earth and drop it in a giant volcano?” Karen offers.

“Nah, the nearest one is already chock full of rings.” David points out.

“Someone needs to get those halflings a hobby.” Karen remarks. “Maybe that’s why they’re called hobbits.”

Curly cackles wickedly for a moment. “Unleash my Squirrely Wrath upon it?” He was not dignified with a response. Moona motions over at Charlotte.

“Bard woman! Pull down my projector screen for me.”

Meanwhile, David addresses Karen’s comments. “Shh! They’re not hobbits in a non-Tolkien approved role-play setting!”

“News flash, Tolkein is dead, he can’t hear you.” Karen retorts. ””Not unless he’s got tremorsense, anyway.”

Charlotte, rolling her eyes, walks over to pull down the projector screen for Moona. “Fine,” she replies, pulling the chord. “Yeah, he was killed by Legolas, ironically,” she added.

Karen looks over at Moona. “So let me guess, we get to go on some kind of Epic Quest to find out how to destroy the Elfstar? No problem.”

“Yeah, sort of. I mean, it’s not technically epic. We don’t have the supplement for that,” Moona gripes.

“Figuratively epic.”

“But anyway, look,” Moona says, flipping a switch. A picture of a huge-ass hammer appears on the screen. “Make your Knowledge checks, redshirts. Do you know what this is?”

“Maul of the Titans?”

“Its the Hammer of Shitbreaking!” Curly replies, almost with glee.

“That’s right. The Hammer of Shitbreaking, an ancient goliath artifact. Well, we assume it’s a goliath artifact, because the people who play those bastards seem to be supernaturally preoccupied with causing property damage,” Moona explains.

“Is there something wrong with destroying artificial dwellings?” Curly asks, in an nearly- just nearly- innocent tone. Moona shrugs in response.

“So lemme guess. We have to find this thing and break the shit out of the Star?” David asks.

“Wasn’t that stolen by elves from Aldea years ago?” Karen inquires.

“Basically, yes,” Moona replies, first answering David. “And yes, Karen, you’re correct. Those damn Keeblers nabbed it while the goliaths were busy trying to destroy Greyhawk in the Hulking Hurler Wars.” Flipping a switch, the image on the screen changes, now showing a massive tower built into the trunk of an ancient tree. “This is Keebler Tower, in Aldea. The Keeblers live here, making confections for the Empress. We have reason to believe they have the Hammer somewhere in their evil fairytale abode.”

“Oo, fudge rounds,” Karen remarks, happily.

“Keeblers…” David grumbles beneath his breath. “They’re not even tall or slender.. intruding on us short peoples’ territory.”

“Those bastards!” Curly screams in rage.

Ignoring their comments, Moona clears his throat and continues his briefing. “Your mission, if you choose to accept it- and you will if you don’t want me to kill you- is to infiltrate the Tower and steal the Hammer.”

“I can see why you picked me for this mission, but will I have to cut this beard off?” David inquires. Moona shakes his feline head and chuckles.

“No, you’re fine. I mean, the beard is hideous and you SHOULD shave it, but I’m too nice to say anything about it. And I certainly won’t require it for the mission,” he explains. “Also, if you find any of those Grasshopper cookies, I want you to get some for me. I fucking love those.”

Karen stared at the rhy-cat. “They don’t actually hop, you know.”

“I know they don’t, but I just can’t get enough of their minty pleasure.”

“Right. Do we get some supplies for this mission?” Karen asks. Meanwhile, Curly is already starting to fantasizing about his dungeon dives.

“I’m tiny, furry, and got sum junk in my tail. They’ll never see it coming!”

“What you gonna do, sing ‘Christmastime is Here’ until their ears bleed?” David teases.

Karen stood, awaiting Moona’s reply. “Like, say, a spellbook? Speaking metaphorically of course. Just as an example.”

“A spellbook” the rhy-cat replies flatly. “Girl, I’m from Aldea. We have a power system. I have no idea what you are talking about. Go talk to Grapak or Tesla if you need shit. I’m just here to make derisive comments and critical decisions. Now, get the hell out of my office. I need to go make in the sandbox,” Moona hisses.

The team left the office, and begins to formulate their plan. Karen states she wanted supplies, but the others seem happy to get going immediately. After some threats of violence, they decide to visit Tesla instead. As Karen enters Tesla’s Laboratory, she is greeted with an amazingly loud explosion.

“Bonaparte!” a girl’s voice calls out. “Don’t eat that, or you’ll DIE!” Just then, a blonde girl covered in soot and grease pops up from behind a lab table. “Oh. Hey there. What the hell can I do for you?” Karen hands the girl a list of supplies. Tesla clears some of the soot out of her eyes, and takes a look. “Hmmm, oh cool, we passing notes or some shit? Wait, this looks like a list of supplies… Spellbook… Robe of the Archmagi… Staff of Power… 55 Potions of Cure Serious Wounds… 100,000 gold pieces… “

“I need to make an Elminster scarecrow for this plan, see . . .” Karen explains, mustering up as much faux innocence as she can.

“Hey, I don’t ask questions. I figure you people know what you are doing, and I also figure I don’t care,” Tesla remarks, tucking the list away in her belt. “But still… this is a hell of a list. Do you have any idea how high of a purchase DC these would have in my world? Fortunately, they’re dirt cheap here. I can get some for you in a few days if you want. But I’ll need a little something in return.”

“I’m flexible. What do you want?”

“Well, a few things, really. In my ancient history classes, I used to read about this ancient form of currency exchanged between soccer moms called “Beanie Babies”. In my time, they’re worth a cool decamillion credits a piece. If I could get my hands on those, I could finally get that alchemical gold grill put in and be the gangsta I’ve always dreamed of becoming. If you find me one, I can get you the robe. The rest is gonna be a bit harder.”

“Are we talking troll dolls territory here?” Karen asks. “I know a guy who knows a guy that can get you a good deal on Harry Potter action figures.”

“Oh, that wouldn’t do at all. Harry Potter ended up becoming the foundation of an evil religion that ultimately wiped out life in South America in my times. We… like not to talk about it,” Tesla explains, looking down at her shoes for a second. “As for the spellbook, I think I’m using one to keep that table propped up.”

Karen walks over and pulled the book out, causing the table to wobble unevenly. “You can have that,” Tesla says. “I have no use for spells. Just get me a Beanie, and I can get you a Robe of the Archmagi. Or at least a trash bag that has the words “ROBE OF ACHEMAGIC” written on it with a Sharpee.”

“Right,” Karen replies, as she leaves the room and heads back out to her companions. Having prepared, the sought out Charlotte to get her assistance in traveling to Aldea.

Karen flips through her new spellbook as the team approaches. “I think some of these spells date back to 2nd edition.”

“Hey there!” David cries out, spotting Charlotte as she sits outside Moona’s office, writing in her notebook. “We were told to come to you, or something, to head for Aldea.”

“Hang on a sec, I have to memorize some spells,” Karen interrupted, plopping down on the floor.

“Oooh, any 2nd ed psionics stuff in there…we’d get this all done in a day an then wipe out all ‘humanoid’ life on the plant before lunch!” Curly exclaims. Charlotte sat up, and closed her notebook.

“Ah, cool. Just give me a moment,” Charlotte says happily, putting away her notebook. “When you are ready, all of you hold hands and close your eyes.”

“This isn’t gonna involve a bottle, is it? I am NOT tonguing that squirrel,” David whines. However, as he finishes, he takes a good look at Curly, and almost as if possessed, lunges at the rodent and begins to make out with it.

Curly gasps and pulls away. “You should be so privileged, rumpled foreskin!” he spits back at the gnome.

Charlotte raises an eyebrow. “That was more than I needed to see.” Meanwhile, Karen is busily counting to five on the floor as she memorizes her paltry sum of spells per day. After getting to five, she stands up and joins the circle.

“Okay, I’m ready.”

“Alright, then!” Charlotte chirps. “All of you… close your eyes and relax. I want you to visual Aldea, in all its homosexual splendours, and repeat the following mantra to yourselves- I will not die from falling damage, I will not die from falling damage…”

As the group repeats these words to themselves, Charlotte rushes up, hoists all three of them over her head. “YAAAAAAAAAH- MARTIAL MANEUVER, OMNIPOTENT THROW!!!!!” she screamed, and hurled the threesome at Aldea, causing them to crash through the ceiling and arc high above the table. The threesome flies through the air, strikes Jennifer in the face, bounces off, lands cocked on the Player’s Handbook, and then is consequently rerolled into Aldean terrain. Landing with a thump, the heroes find themselves in a tiny dirty farming village.

As the party lies still, recovering, David is the first to regain his bearings.

“I think we just felt the touch of a player. And it felt good,” he comments lewdly, not getting up.

Karen gives the gnome a funny look as she picks herself up. “You need to get out more.”

As the team collects themselves, they see they are in a small village composed of twenty or so crude, thatched huts. Beyond the village they can see a vast tent city, each tent bearing the Imperial crest of the Elven Empire.

Furthermore, off in the horizon they can see the towering image of the Keebler Tower, casting its ominous shadow over the land.

Since Aldea is typically known for its scenes of idyllic tranquility and socially progressive attitudes, the team finds it a bit odd that everything was so quiet and somber.

Inquisitively, Karen throws a rock into the window of a hut. She is rewarded with a loud scream, and finds her action had actually slain a commoner. After a brief confrontation with the commoner’s bereaved wife and a small argument on whether or not you can use Gather Information on a dead person, the team is approached by a shadowy silhouette.

She explains it would be very easy to interrogate the dead, if you are willing to look past a few evil descriptors. She introduces herself as Gilda Arharmboras, and explains she and a few others had come to provide backup.

She takes the team into a tavern that is serving as a front for a secret Resistance base. Gilda introduces them to General Lisa Frank, Resistance member and leader of the Aldean military. Lisa explains the situation to them:

“Well, here’s the sitch,” Lisa starts. “This is the town of Farmingvillagetonburg. It’s a routine noob spawning town, but recently the Elves have surrounded it and started killing off all the new adventurers as they arrive. We were sent to drive them back, but we’re at a bit of a stand still. The elves are getting a constant supply of food and other resources from the once-neutral Keeblers in the Tower. If we could find some way to cut that connection, we could also drive back the Drizzt swarms and let these adventurers get a chance to get a few levels.”

“Right, and then we can kill them ourselves and take their gear. I like this plan,” Karen muses.

“No no!” Lisa cries out. “We need to nurture and guide them, show them how to be strong and mighty and just!” Karen shrugs in response.

“Shut up, Lisa,” Gilda replies. She attempts to smile at Karen, but then realizes she doesn’t know how. She instead settles for a grimace in her general direction, but between evil characters, that is enough of a display of affection to melt any heart.

Lisa went on to explain that without their Infernal Ovens, the Keeblers would not be able to provide food to the Empire. If the party could destroy the ovens while retrieving the hammer, they would be able to kill two birds with one stone and free the village.

“Okay, so how do we get in the tower?”, Karen asks.

“Well, we have a short cut,” Lisa explains. She motions across the room to a mysterious train platform that hadn’t been there previously. “If you guys want, you can just ride the Royal Railroad, and it will take you right up to the front door.”

David shrugs. “Alrighty then, what do you want us to do to get a ticket on this railroad?”

“Oh, you don’t need a ticket. You just need a bad DM, and as luck would have it…”

Suddenly the party is outside the tower.

The tower reeks of freshly baked cookies and arcane texts. It looms above the party like a … really tall building, or maybe a tree that is equally tall. Two huge double doors stand ominously in the center of the walkway, beckoning the group to enter.

Inside the room, they find a large lobby and a reception desk being run by a gossipy female Keebler, who manages to mistake David for a hirsuite Ernie, and gives the group instructions on how to access the ovens, thinking they are oven repairmen.

As they climb up the tower, they come to a large bulletin with a map of the building. On it, they see a large message written in Common.

“OVEN CLEANERS- GO TO FOURTH FLOOR. THIS IS NOT A TRAP! “ALSO, ALL STAFF- FLOOR SEVEN IS NO LONGER THE BREAK ROOM. IT IS NOW SUPER SECRET TREASURE ROOM, BY ORDER OF THE EMPRESS. YOU CAN STILL USE IT AS A BREAK ROOM, THOUGH.”

“I think it’s a trap,” Karen speculates.

The team works their way through the hallways of the tower, past a lunch room and a vending machine, and into a corporate meeting to discuss the Keeblers’ latest product, Mialee Mounds.

Horrified at the idea of cookies modeled after Mialee’s tits, the team assaults the Keeblers in the meeting. What ensues is less of a combat scene and more of an out and out murder. Curly turns into a braxat and sears a few alive with his breath weapon, while David skewers them on his rapier. Karen shreds them all with daggers and claw attacks, and even after the elves summon dire celestial goldfish crackers to their aid, they are unable to withstand the assault. A sole survivor is interrogated by Karen, and then crammed into the vending machine alive, where he ends up getting a granola bar caught in his butt.

The team then winds their way through the remaining floors, dodging chocolate chip launching cannons, EL Fudge cookies of dire evil, and the dreaded disease diabetes.

Eventually, they come across some treasure chests, and find some armor that they can’t equip. They also discover the infernal ovens, which predictably spring to life and assault them. Karen uses her limited magic to attempt to disadvantage the appliances, but a casting of her grease spell merely causes the room to burst into flames. Meanwhile, David is swallowed whole and begins to bake, while Curly transforms into a werewolf lord and he and the nearest oven spend a good twenty minutes trying to navigate the rules on grappling, to see if it is even possible to grapple an oven in the first place.

Ultimately, the ovens trigger their self-destruct features (standard on all new models), and destroy the entire fourth floor of the tower. Fortunately, it isn’t a load-bearing floor, and they were able to progress without hindrance.

On the next floor, David is poisoned with Keebler sugar poisoning, and is turned into a diabetic. Meanwhile, Karen manages to find some Beanie Babies in a creepy and baroque dressing room, and the team decides to bypass the rest of the dungeon by breaking out the windows and scaling the sides.

They climb, past several Keebler sorcerers and a few dozen fudge golems, until they reach the top floor. On the top floor, they find a vast vault with a large, sealed door at the end. They also find a magical talking parrot of identify, which helps them not only to discover what types of treasure they had found, but also that the door that lead to the Hammer was completely unable to be opened. They leave the vault, hoping to find another solution.

Opening a nearby door, they come into a break room and discover none other than The Lady of Pain, sitting quietly, sipping tea and eating Pecan Sandies. She seems to recognize the mysterious armor they had picked up, and takes it from them, and then follows the group for a while. When the team leads her back into the room with the door, she casts her shadow on it, causing it to disappear.

Just then, the Princess appears and bumps into the Lady, who reacts in wrath and throws out her ominous shadow in order to flay her, but David interferes and saves her at the last second. Then, the Lady seems to lose interest, and walks away, causing the group to become very uneasy and wonder how she ever managed to escape Sigil in the first place.

Inside the chamber, they find the Hammer, but it is kept on a pressure sensitive switch that will cause a bevy of deadly traps to trigger if it is removed. The only way to escape the tower safely is to leave behind something of equal or greater weight.

The team is unwilling to part with their equipment, so they leave the Princess as a counterweight, and plan to flee the tower.

“Anyone got a teleport prepared? Or even a dimension door?” Curly asks.

Butterpeach sighs. “I was once a powerful spellcaster, but I lost those features to a lack of hit dice.”

“Hey, princess, do me a favor, will you?” Karen asks, as she grasps the handle of the hammer.

“Why, of course, dearest companion and fellow sister!”

“When I say ‘now’ I want you to step on this pedestal.”

“Yes! We will do this in the name of holy justice!”

“NOW!”

Stepping on the pedestal, the Princess grins from ear to ear. “Well, now what do we do?”

“Wait here for a few minutes while we escape,” Curly instructs, running out of the room.

“Okay! But don’t leave me here!” Butterpeach whines.

“Don’t worry, we’ll be right back!” Karen replies, darting out of the room.

“Alright! LOVE YOU!” Butterpeach shouts after her.

“Take care princess!” David cries back, as he hops into Karen’s backpack, grabs Curly, and braces himself as the wererat slips on a ring of feather fall and leaps out of the window.

As the group lands, they decide to light the tower on fire, “just in case.” It had burnt to the ground within an hour. They returned to Farmingvillagetonburg, and Lisa thanked them all. Feeling a bit tired, the group rode the Royal Railroad back to Mystara, leaving the Princess’s charred remains in Aldea- they figured she would want it that way.

Back at Mystara, Moona was pleased with their progress.

“Good work, assholes. I wish you hadn’t, you know, left the Princess to burn to death, but I know how it goes. Sometimes you just can’t help yourself,” he purred.

“The resistance is bigger than one person,” Karen points out. Moona merely grunts in response.

“I don’t know, we had Galactus join recently, from the World of Marvel Heroes. He’s pretty much bigger than the Resistance.” he remarks, and hops down from his desk. “Now, lets kill this thing,” he says, looking at the huge emerald. “Who wants to do the honors? I would, but you know- no opposable thumbs.”

“I’ll do it, providing no one else has a higher strength score,” David volunteers.

“Well, go ahead, David, smash away,” Moona says with a nod. David takes the hammer, and raising it above his head, approaches the Elfstar.

Running and jumping, he shouts as he leaps above it and brings the mighty tool down upon the couch-sized gem. “SUPER SHITSMASHING HAMMER LIGHTNING SMITE ATTACK! AREYOUKIDDINMEH!”

There is an incredible flash of light, and for a moment, all things in the room seem unbelievably significant as the fabric of reality itself is warped.

Life… Death… Memory… God… all of it seems like an inconsequential dream only half remembered as the Elfstar shatters into a trillion microscopic pieces, each shard dispersing with a pulse of energy and light that seems to pour right through the souls of everyone present.

For a moment, there is silence, but that silence is quickly interrupted by a small voice.

“Coco! Cocococococo! Co-co CORY!”

As the group regains its sight, they see a small fey creature about a foot and a half tall before them.

“Co….. co CORY!” it shouts precociously, striking a pose.

“Um… hi?” Karen responds, puzzled.

“What… the… fuck…” Moona stammers in disbelief.

“Well.. erm…” David mutters, sheepishly, dropping the Hammer. Meanwhile, the creature runs about, babbling and shouting.

“Cocococo… cory-cocococo…” the little creature rubbed up against Karen’s leg.

“Gah, cooties!” Karen cries, backing away.

”’What the hell is that thing? And what just happened?” Moona demands.

As Karen backs away, it runs after her, crying. “CO CO! COCOCO! COOOOOOORY! COCO CORY!!!”

“Oh, jeez . . . don’t cry,” Karen replies, feeling guilty. “Sheesh. Here, you can sit on my backpack.”

Moona shakes his head and sighs. “Well, I suppose I don’t really care. You guys look after that thing. I have to go pee on the clothes that Charlotte just washed, and then I’m going out for drinks with “The Cat” and the Cooper Telepath.”

“Alright, seeya next weekend, Moona,” David says.

The room grows dark, and Charlotte appears as she walks out into a spotlight that suddenly appears.

“And thus, the Elfstar was destroyed. But who is this mysterious creature calling itself Coco Cory? And what of the Lady of Pain? Who the hell let her out of Sigil, anyway? And what will Mialee do now, with her precious relic destroyed? Stay tuned next time, for our next exciting episode of Freaking Elves!”

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A quick reminder to the chat based group

This is just a quick reminder for everyone to have their character sheets completed by Saturday morning, preferably earlier.

We’ll start playing between 10am and 2pm on Saturday the 26th.

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Episode 1- Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood
Of Sharn, drag queens, and family-friendly bar-and-grill franchises

Crystal eats the Super Mushroom and attacks the fortress, while the others flee Crystal eats the Super Mushroom and attacks Fort Silvericingbeautydeath, while the others flee the scene. Please note Bathsheba’s afro, as it is to scale. Incidentally, so are Crystal’s cans. I couldn’t really draw her hands, though, so I gave her pseudopods. Guys like chicks with pseudopods, right?

Party: Offline Party

As the episode begins, we see a darkened stage. Charlotte Cabochon appears, and is framed by a spotlight. The bard begins by telling the story of the Worlds Atop the Table, and how it was nearly ruined by the War of the Elves. She says that even now, the Elves threaten to crush the spirit of the world, but there are those that fight against them- the Resistance. Sometimes they are successful, but often they are not- a fact we are about to witness.

Charlotte fades away, leaving behind the scene of a young Cleric and a female rogue surrounded by the Drizzt Do’urden. The drow tell the girls they have no chance for escape, but the rogue decides to take matters into her own hands, lunging at one of the Drizzt. Unfortunately, she provokes an attack of opportunity from another, and is stabbed.

“No,” the Cleric screams, “Not Blackleaf!” She rushes to her companion’s side, and finds her dying. The rogue, Blackleaf, tells her she is the only hope they have, and urges her to escape. The Cleric makes a Heal check, but it is in vain.

“The thief failed to spot my threat range,” one of the Drizzt comments smugly.

The Cleric stifled a sob. “I declare her dead!” With that, she stood up from her friend’s side and ran away. The Drizzt stood perfectly still.

“Why aren’t we chasing her again?” one asked.

Another merely shrugged. “It’s not our turn in the initiative count yet.”

“Ah,” the first Drizzt replied.

Meanwhile, back in Mystara, Charlotte informs Princess Butterpeach Cinderella Von Hyatt-Gainsborough of the tragedy that has befallen the team from the previous scene. It is revealed that team had been sent to Eberron to try and remove the Elven influence from the city of Sharn, and in the process of doing so they had uncovered a powerful artifact- the Elfstar.

The Elfstar is a sacred gem from which all elven subraces are made. By striking off a chip of the Elfstar and shoving it into a basic elf, the elf can then be transformed into an entirely new subrace. Without such an object in their possesion, the Empire would be greatly crippled.

As luck would have it, it seems a nameless NPC cleric with the team had managed to escape with the Elfstar. Moona the cat, leader of the Resistance and pet to the Princess, was greatly disturbed by this- how had a total redshirt of an NPC managed to survive when developed PCs had not? The Princess attributed it to the maddening of the world while under Elven rule, but Moona was not convinced.

Just the same, it was of grave importance that the Resistance recover the Elfstar. He gathered together several of his recruits, and formed a team composed of “The Cat”, former evil god of Faerun, Bathsheba Winters, foxy mistress of the Soul Fist style, Miracula Amalthea Nutella, domestic goddess, celebrity chef, and deranged shaman of proper nutrition, and Crystal Cans, dimwitted but stacked barbarian beauty with bad taste in men.

The group was assembled and briefed, and then sent out on their mission. Before leaving, Charlotte asked them to do her a favor. It seems one of her close friends from Evidia had gone missing in Sharn, and she wanted the team to keep an eye out for her. They agreed, and Charlotte then hoisted the room they were within into the air, and hurled it at Eberron.

The group landed in the middle of Sharn, crushing a local flower girl and a few warforged in the process. The town reacted with panic, but Miracula stepped up and prepared to help the woman. She began to concoct a special “magic” marinara sauce with which she hoped to revive the spark of life within the woman, but it only seemed to marinate her, which drew the attention of a few nearby monsters.

Meanwhile, Bathsheba tried to gather information while the Cat attempted to convert people to his cause, and Crystal got into a fight with her evil intelligent weapon and abusive boyfriend, Androprimus. Chaos erupted all around, as the Cat was met with disdain, causing him to react to the villagers in wrath. Bathsheba ended up in an argument with a native, and a frustrated Miracula attempted to gain control of the crowd as she tried in vain to explain how to create her award winning resurrection chicken. Just then, Miracula had decided she had enough and summoned a tornado into the area, causing everyone to be knocked on their asses. In the process, Androprimus ended up impaling a village woman and triggered his vicious weapon property, dealing damage to Crystal and causing her to go into a frenzy.

Long story short, everyone in that square without heroic class levels died that day, and the Drizzt were summoned into battle to defend the villagers from the Resistance.

Bathsheba slammed her fists into the Drizzt, shouting “Shazam!” and “Judo Chop, BITCH!” as she danced like a ballerina on fire across the battlefield. Crystal continued to rage while Miracula summoned up lightning and ice, and the Cat hid in the shadows while he and Justice Cat, his cohort, flung darts of shadow and knives at anything that moved. Ultimately, the Drizzt all died and the party fled for the hills in order to avoid being slaughtered by Crystal. They came back a few rounds later and found her disabled after losing her frenzy, and perked the girl up in order to continue their mission.

Unsure of where to go, and with none of them having taken ranks in Gather Information, Miracula called upon one of her patron spirits, Rachael Ray. Rachael descended in a cloud of smoke, fire, and laser beams, and answered Miracula’s questions for them. She told them that she could not locate the Elfstar in 30 minutes or less, and as such she could not reveal its location, but she said they might be able to find a lead if they were to seek out a “restaurant of another world”.

She continued to inform them of several other things, such as which brand of flour one might use to better crush their enemies and the location of Fort Silvericingbeautydeath. She also delivered a cryptic warning to the Cat from Oprah Winfrey, telling him that the Dark One was well aware of his ambitions, and she was not happy with them.

The group traveled to the sector of town called Olladra’s Kitchen, hoping to find this mysterious otherworldly restaurant. They tried several locations- McXxyzzyt’s, THAC0 Bell, Le Corner Trashy, and even Vadania’s Country Kitchen, but they found nothing. Just when the group was ready to give up, they were encountered by a suspicious talking Apple, who told them to go eat at Applebee’s.

Miracula, incensed by the presence of a corporate steakhouse mascot, unleashed her fury and quartered the apple into easily eaten bits. It panicked, and tried to fly, but found it couldn’t as long as it was sliced into pieces. Miracula then had Bathsheba produce a bottle of elixir of truth from her hair. She macerated the fruit in the elixir, and then interrogated it, finding the exact location of this “Applebee’s”, and many other corporate secrets as well.

The rest of the group, craving some flank steak and coconut shrimp, eagerly sought the place out, although Miracula insisted one could eat better and have just as good of a time at by eating at home, with only a minimum amount of effort. Just the same, she accompanied the group into the Applebee’s and took a seat.

Their server was a woman named Diana. She was friendly enough, but seemed suspicious to the group.

“So…” she asked, “what brings you strangers here to Sharn, eh?”

“Oh, we’re looking for a Cleric that is running away from the…” Crystal blurted out, before being silenced by Bathsheba.

“Looking for a Cleric, eh?” Diana asked suspiciously. “Why would all of you be needing a cleric?”

“Oh, um… well,” the Cat replied, while making a Bluff check, “we have a friend who was, um… killed when he, ah… stepped on a… um… tree.”

Fortunately, the Cat rolled a good 30 something on his check, and Diana seemed to buy it. She told the group she would bring them some stuffed mushrooms, but secretly ran to the bar to speak with a mysterious redhead who had been watching them since they came into the restaurant. Meanwhile, a table of half-orcs across the room had also been giving the group dirty looks.

While Miracula lamented the selection of food by dramatically hurling the menu aside and screaming “THIS MENU IS DYING!”, a female half-orc approached Crystal and Bathsheba.

“We don’t want your kind around here anymore,” she growled. Bathsheba took particular offense.

“My kind? MY KIND?! What, you ain’t never seen a sistah up in here before, you pig-looking motha-@#$%? My kind, my ass…” she snarled, flashing her fine-ass fingernails.

“Where does a half-orc get off having a problem with black people, anyway?” the Cat asked.

“We don’t have a problem with black people. We have a problem with you perverted trannies turning this town into your personal stomping ground.”

“TRANNIES?” all three women replied in shock.

“Yeah, you and your big lizard queen have gone too far, and we’re tired of it in our neighborhood,” the half-orc snapped. Just then, a mind flayer and a vampire sharing a nearby table joined in.

“Look, we’re just trying to enjoy a nice, romantic dinner here,” the mind flayer hissed telepathically while she poked at a bound humanoid slung over their table. “So why don’t all you just shut the #$%@ up and stop being so disruptive!”

A male half-orc at the table stepped up and got in the mind flayer’s face. “Look buddy, nobody talks to my wife that way!” With that, he let the mind flayer have it with an uppercut.

The vampire rose up and flourished his cape. “You vile little worm, how dare you defend your woman while beating on another!”

“What the hell are you talking about?” the half-orc asked. Just then, everyone got a better look at the mind flayer. As she reeled from the blow, one could clearly see mascara around her eyes, and a large set of breasts on her chest.

“No mortal may strike my darling and survive!” the vampire announced with a dramatic flair.

A few goblins over at the bar suddenly turned around, intrigued by the scene. One of them, feeling excited by the exchange, threw a chair into the fray.

“BAR FIGHT!” he screamed.

“But this is a steakhouse…” Crystal pointed out.

“STEAKHOUSE FIGHT!” the goblin screamed.

Diana and her companion behind the counter sprang into action, trying to contain the brawl- Diana using a magical staff to vault herself into the fray, and the redhead throwing a cloak over her head to turn invisible. Meanwhile, the orcs began to close in on the girls.

“Oh dear,” Miracula mused. “I think everyone needs to try and alleviate stress with a delicious and refreshing dose of pineapple gelato. Its creamy and full of B vitamins!”

With that, she unleashed a cone of cold across the battlefield, killing a few orcs, the mind flayer’s dinner, and a goblin. She also caught Crystal in the blast, making the barbarian go berserk.

Meanwhile, Bathsheba tangled with Diana, as the two monks traded blows and snappy comebacks. However, before Bathsheba could get the upper hand, she was hit from behind with a brutal sneak attack from the invisible redhead.

“Thanks, Sheila,” Diana said. “This bitch is fierce!”

Bathsheba smacked Sheila out of the way, and lunged at Diana. “Oh, you have no idea! MARTIAL MANEUVER, BITCH!”

As the battle ensued, the Cat decided to have a little fun of his own. Vanishing into the shadows, he prepared to unleash one of his evil mysteries into the battlefield. He used his Discreet Metamystery ability to blast the vampire and everyone around him, making the mind flayer appear as the source of the assault.

“Dear, how could you strike at me so?” he asked, in bewilderment.

“I didn’t do anything, you big idiot!” the mind flayer snapped back.

“HEY!” the vampire replied. “Don’t take that tone of telepathy with ME, missy!”

“You know what, Frank? Mind Blast. Just @#$%ing Mind Blast,” the exasperated mind flayer replied, firing a cone of stunning psionic energy at him.

“Ah fiddlesticks!” Sheila cursed as Bathsheba’s bitch slap knocked her directly into the line of fire.

As the battle continued, the Apple arrived.

“OH JESUS CHRIST!” it screamed. “My restaurant! My beautiful restaurant! You assholes!” it shouted, as it launched itself at the nearest target.

“Ow!” the vampire complained. “What the hell, man? Seriously, what the hell? Who threw an apple?” Just then, he spotted the Cat in the corner.

“Oh, a shadowcaster, eh? I see. Child of darkness, I challenge you to a gothic duel!”

”@#$% that,” the Cat replied. “DM! I demand sunlight!” he cried, as he invoked his God-like powers. Just then, the ceiling collapsed on everyone, dealing damage and exposing the vampire to the sun’s searing rays.

“Ah hell… come on, Marie, let’s get out of here!” he shouted to his companion.

“oohhh…. ceiling cat iz watching u masturbate…” Justice Cat stammered in a daze as he tried to compose himself.

Just then, Crystal launched an attack at the mind flayer, and missed.

“Aw hell,” Miracula cursed. “Watch out!” As the blade fumbled past the aberration, the frenzied barbarian triggered her Ultra-Critical Miss gimmick, which caused her to unleash the full might of her blade on everyone and everything in the area. Tables were broken into splinters, half-orcs and goblins were reduced to low quality sashimi, and all the characters with enough hit dice to hold their own were knocked flat on their asses.

“Damn…” the mind flayer replied in astonishment, as she surveyed the shattered ruins of Applebee’s. “Well, I might as well make myself a doggy bag!” she exclaimed, as she snapped her fingers and caused a swarm of purple tentacles to emerge from beneath her robe and entangle everything.

As the party struggled to get themselves free, Miracula called down lightning on everything and Bathsheba used her Baffling Defense to escape the grip of the mind flayer. The group continued to focus on their foes until all but Diana and Sheila were dead.

After the fight started to clear up, Diana and Sheila explained they were secret Resistance operatives sent to investigate the rumors that the Action Transvestite League had taken on a job to capture the Elfstar for themselves. Diana explained she had heard that the League had been hired by the Empire to find the Cleric, and they had been using the restaurant as a base of operations. The two of them had infiltrated under the guise of wait staff, hoping to find out the truth.

The groups compared notes, and branched out to find the cleric and the Elfstar. They heard a rumor that a female cleric was recently chased out of a goblin neighborhood in Malleon’s Gate, when she refused to pay the local goblins for their menacing services.

They traveled there to investigate, driving off goblin street-workers, who had been charging low level adventurers to let them kill them for the XP. When asked, they explained that a female human cleric with a huge-ass stone had recently come through, and killed a few of them. When she refused to pay for her XP, the goblins banded together to run her out of town.

The party thanked the goblins for their info, but then killed them all, anyway. Bathsheba even went so far as to break into a goblin orphanage and gut everyone within, and Miracula offered the bodies up as a sacrifice to Paula Deen. Paula was thankful for the offering, and told Miracula to go to Fort Silvericingbeautydeath. She told them that the Action Transvestite League had taken it over after they kidnapped the cleric and obtained the Elfstar for themselves.

The group rushed to the fortress, only to find it surrounded by at least 40 of the most fabulously outfitted drag queen cutthroats they had ever seen. It would be almost impossible to make it through them alive.

Thinking quickly, the group rooted through Bathsheba’s hair and produced a Super Mushroom. They talked Crystal into putting it in her mouth- stating that her boyfriend would find it suggestive and would be turned on- and then proceeded to bitch slap her and push her into the drag queen’s range of site.

As she was slapped, she went into a frenzy, and subsequently swallowed the mushroom, growing to an enormous size. While their giant hillybilly companion trampled over the divas, the group snuck inside, and disguised themselves as a couple of Rosemary Clooneys in order to sneak through the fortress.

Once inside, they found Charlotte’s friend, Honoria de Danaan Cesaria au Blanchard trapped in a jail cell. They saved her, but after having spoken with her, decided they didn’t really need to take her back alive. Bathsheba produced the head of Medusa from her hair, and turned the girl to stone with it, and then proceeded to cram both back into her afro before continuing their infiltration.

After getting to what was clearly the final room of the dungeon, they summoned Crystal by screaming “HEY CRYSTAL” as loud as they could. The barbarian smashed her way inside, and the group entered the room.

They found the cleric, bound to an enormous, couch sized emerald that they knew to be the Elfstar. Just as they were about to free her and seize it, they were interrupted by a booming cackle.

Behind them, they saw a lizardman in fabulous makeup- none other than the infamous Lady Gator. She was accompanied by her assistants, Count Tatsel Dharts Sepet and Jeffiroth. She told the group that she was going to make the Elfstar into a gorgeous, bust enhancing brooch, and said she would have to kill them just as she had killed the Drizzt.

A battle erupted, predictably, and before long, the Count was killed. Soon after, Lady Gator was forced to flee, leaving the group to face Jeffiroth alone.

Just then, a chorus of cheerful music could be heard, and a shower of flower petals washed over the battlefield. Standing in the rafters was Princess Butterpeach, rapier drawn and flanked by Diana and Sheila.

She hopped down, and told everyone she was here to save the day and to deliver her magnificent justice to evildoers. She produced a scroll from her pocket, and cast Flame Strike, nailing Jeffiroth and a few of her allies, as well. Jeffiroth was weakened by the blast, and countered with a Limit Break, killing the Princess instantly.

Jeffiroth wasn’t too concerned with anything after that point, so he left. The party crammed the Princess in Bathsheba’s hair, and they untied the Cleric. She ran up to them and thanked them tearfully- but just then, Crystal was overwhelmed when she failed a Charisma contest with Androprimus and was forced to stab the cleric, killing her instantly.

The Cat stated they were never ordered to bring her back alive, so they just stuffed her in Bathsheba’s hair as well, and teleported back to Mystara- but not before the Cat ordered the LOLCATS to fill the fortress up with explosives.

As they arrived back at the Resistance base, Moona criticized them heavily, shouting that they were the worst team he had ever seen and telling them he wished they had all died horribly.

The group, seemingly oblivious to his tirades, were enthusiastic.

“Gee, thanks, kit-kat, you all right!” Bathsheba replied.

“Yes, we have done a great justice and helped the world to become a healthier place!” Miracula bragged.

“We all do what we can to spread love and friendship!” the Cat chimed in.

“TATER SKINS!” Crystal belched absent-mindedly.

“ALL OF YOU CAN GO TO HELL!” Moona replied.

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Character Creation Has Begun

Alright, character creation has officially begun. I would like to begin both groups on the week of January 20th, 2008. More rules will be posted later, and we’ll try and figure out a play schedule that works for everyone.

Currently, I have the following people signed up for play-

Offline Group:

  1. Josh- “The Cat”
  2. Mamelon- Miracula Amalthea Nutella
  3. Joshua- Bathsheba Winters
  4. Adam- Crystal Cans

Chat-based Group:

  1. Mike- Undecided
  2. Alacar- David the Gnome
  3. AidanDark- Sir Righteous the Marriable
  4. Jennifer- Karen Ratbastard

Now, please go over the rules for Character Creation, New Skills and Skill Uses, Gimmicks and other parts of the page. Pay attention to the existing NPCs, and the bits of flavor set up already. Also, a few things to keep in mind while making your character.

  • Animals do not have an area of effect, not even on a critical hit
  • No one has EVER played a gnome. Ever. Keep this in mind
  • The campaign will be between 4 to 6 sessions, so plan for the short term
  • A level 1 Wizard with 7 LAs worth of templates is a BAD character, and you should be ashamed.
  • Adam, if you make us wait while you count your umpteen million dice each attack roll, I will kill you. So, keeping that in mind, play something that could never reasonably do damage.
  • Try and spend every copper of your starting wealth. You won’t have an opportunity to spend it once the game begins. Even if you have to dump it all into yard after yard of rope, do it. It is better to have an overabundance of supplies than a pocket full of useless money in this game, unless you intend on doing something neat with that money.
  • If you have a concept that involves bending the rules, we can work things out to your liking, so long as it amuses me. It’s not so much that I am willing to please you as a player, I just like to pretend to be an Olympian god.
  • I need any splat books or materials I don’t own sent to me, somehow. It doesn’t have to be the entire supplement- I just need to basically see the thing.
  • Remember to add your 2 ability score increases for being 8th level.
  • You may be asked to go back and add a few levels if I decide to scale up the level cap for the campaign.
  • NO ELVES. Don’t even joke about it.
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Vive La Resistance!
About this campaign...

Freaking Elves is a campaign that I once attempted on a PbP forum of which I was a moderator. It was an attempt to create a humorous, light-hearted take on D&D that lampooned everything and anything related to the game. Recently, conversations have started and it looks like we will be reviving the campaign as a 4 to 6 session game in early 2008. Until that time, this campaign will remain inactive, but I will try and use that time to organize and post the world information and the character creation rules.

In addition to reviving the campaign, I am also hoping to use this opportunity to test out the practicality of using Obsidian Portal to organize a game from the beginning. I am interested in seeing how these tools help a game from its inception. I’m also planning on bringing in some players who wouldn’t typically play in our games, so I’m hoping to see how OP works to help organize a more diverse playgroup with different play styles and schedules.

Anyway, check back in a month or so to see some more details!

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