Santa Claus

The Greatest Traitor to Mankind since DeBeers


A fat, jolly man with rose red cheeks, a rotund belly, and a long white beard. He wears a red robe trimmed in white, and smells of gingerbread and capitalist swine.


Christopher Kringle, more commonly known as Santa Claus, was once a human saint reigning from I think maybe France. Or maybe it was Germany. What the hell sort of last name is Kringle, anyway? I would almost guess he was part gnome based on that name, but I know better because no one in their right mind would ever play a gnome. Maybe it’s Polish. Anyway, Santa Claus gained immortality through a process that top scientists theorize to be based in Satanic magic, and allied himself with a subrace of disenfranchised artic elves with hopes of exploiting their racial craft bonuses to become the most powerful businessman in the worlds. Using connections he had made in the Vatican Church, he created an elaborate network of lies and dogma that spread across the land, allowing him to effectively control the behavior of all human children through the use of bribery and Elven Magic.

Santa is regarded as the darkest man to ever be born, and he is one of Queen Mialee’s trusted confidantes. Also, since he has allied himself with Mialee, Christmas has not come to the worlds Atop the Table, causing a crushing blow to global morale everywhere but in the Idyllic and Family-friendly Forests of Narnia, where they were already used to that crap.

Santa is said to be a powerful warrior, with confirmed levels of cleric, sorcerer, and vampire. It is also rumored that he has a template or something that gives him Tarrasque like powers, but this is not something that can be proven, as Santa has never been seen in combat since the Happy Holidays War of 2005.

Santa Claus

Freaking Elves photoneater